My story begins perplexing…but it ends victorious! I was molested and raped by my Pastor from the age of six until I was fifteen. He put a gun to my head and told me that if I ever told a soul, he would kill everyone I loved and then me. He consistently reminded me that I was his. I was not allowed to have male friends, or he would beat me. He would punch me in the stomach, punch me in the face and often bite my lips until they bled. After the beatings, he would say how sorry he was, that he just loved me so much and did not want to see me with anyone else.
When he wanted to get his feel, he would give the signal in church and I knew to go outside. If I did not do what he asked, when he saw me, I was beaten again. As I got older, he would go to my school, tell the front office that he was my grandfather and checked me out. He would take me to his house for his pleasure. My family knew all about what was going on, but my grandmother told me, “Well, we thought you and he was in relationship.” The man was in his late 50s! My birth mother said he had incriminating evidence about the family that he would use to blackmail them. He assured them that he would reveal these family secrets if they did not allow him to do what he was doing to me. They basically sold me to him. And I was heartbroken! How could they allow this to happen to me?
My self-esteem was low, I felt worthless. I walked around for years doing things I did not want to do. I figured I was nobody and my family did not love me. I was searching for love in all the wrong places. I was a dead woman walking. I attempted suicide several times. I took a bottle of 30 Vicodin, went to sleep, and still woke up with no damage to my liver. Only God could have done that! I was broken! I started seeking help from people to no avail. I sought help from the church to no avail. Most just wanted to cast out demons. I may have had a few, do not get me wrong, but that was not my real issue. My real issue was I did not feel loved. I did not feel protected by those that should have loved and protected me.
When I was a little girl, I would always have this reoccurring dream that I lived in California. And while there, I drove off a cliff and died. I always said, “I am never going to California. However, I got married to a man that was in the military and he got orders to where? California. I kicked and I screamed but off to California I went. I started looking for a church right away and I found this little store front church. There were not many members, but the ones that were there, were phenomenal. They had such huge hearts. The Pastor was beautiful, and her smile would light up a room. However, I was not sure this was the church for me. I had only visited this church and one other. Also, there was no praise team and no musician. I am a singer and we must have that!
The Pastor was very impressive. She was selfless. She even asked her armorbearer to take me out to eat and show me around. Now, I was not falling for all this kindness because remember, I was broken. My guards were up, and I did not trust people. I would make plans to go to another church, but I would always end up in this little store front church. Finally, the Lord had a conversation with me, and He said, “Nisha, do you trust me?” I said, “Yes Lord.” He asked again and I said, “Of course I do.” He said, “This church you have been going to is the one.” He said, “I need you to trust me because things are not going to be easy there.”
There is a 2-fold assignment there and it is going to be a give and take. I said, “But Lord, I have not looked at any other churches.” And, He said, “You do not need to.” The next Sunday, I joined the church. Just as the Lord told me, things were rough. I wanted to leave many times, but the Lord would remind me that I said I trusted Him. The Pastor and I would have meetings and one day I told her, “I know you do not like me.” I went on to say, “And, I do not like you either.” This is how bad things were. As time went on and the more we talked, the more we understood one another. She showed me love and never pushed me away. She did not love me for what I could do for her, but she loved me! I was finally feeling like someone really cared. She counseled me through all the hurt and pain. She gave me a listening ear. For 3 years straight, she put aside time for me, to help me. I needed this voice. I needed to feel that I mattered. She helped my self-esteem. She, with the help of God restored my trust in man. I would not make friends because I was afraid of being hurt, But God!
God allowed me to find that little store front church, and I can say today, “I am healed.” I am free from the hurt and pain. I am free from the feelings of low self-esteem. I am free from not feeling loved. I am free from rejection and suicidal thoughts. Praise God! The Pastor loved me as if I was her blood daughter. And I love her as if she was my birth mother. I am no longer the frail 6-year old child that was in an adult’s body. I have grown, and now I know it was nobody but God that kept me! Please know that I do not testify as a victim but as someone who is victorious. If God can do this for me, I know He can do the same for anyone. He knows just what we need!
To GOD be all the glory!